On a Cloud

The first quarter of 2024 is over. Time flies so fast, it can get away from you if you let it. My past month felt a little bit like that.   

Inspiration was my friend last month. I had a lot of plans to write a book or two through the years, but I have never been able to finish anything. The pandemic and several other life changes happened, and it gave me a bit (or should I say a lot) of writer’s block.  

Luckily, I found the inspiration to finally get back into it and I am currently three chapters into one book. I’ve also started on another one at the same time (?!) because it’s an idea that I can’t seem to get out of my head these days. It’s a bit confusing but I’ve been managing to work fine on both so far. Thanks to Seventeen and their music, I got the inspiration for the ideas that are working for me now. I hope I can keep it going until the end!  

My books would have gotten more than three chapters if I did not (finally) get a job. It’s only for a month-long project but I took the gig anyway. The pay is a bit low for the work required, but it’s enough to get by, and considering the hours, it’s not that bad. But I was a little disappointed that I accepted it right away. A previous client I liked contacted me for two more jobs. I could not accept them because I have already committed to this one. Oh well.   

Starting over is tough. It’s a hit-and-miss, and it can be unstable. There were moments when I wanted to cave in and go back to my comfort zone, even if I was not that happy with it. But then I also realized that I would be doing a disservice to myself if I did that. I made the jump to this life to go after what makes me happy. I can’t back down now.  

There was an announcement about Yoongi’s D-Day concert in cinemas in April. It was so exciting to learn about this, but now I’m not too sure if I will be able to make it. Apart from not having anyone to go with to enjoy the show, I’m also thinking about my finances. I do have money saved and I am getting some sliver of income to pay my bills. But I’m not sure if it’s wise to spend on non-essentials at this point. This is why I decided not to buy any of the Seventeen Artist-Made merchandise that I wanted. Is this what being an adult should be? It doesn’t sound too fun right now.   

I have so many creative projects that I’m working on now. I know I shouldn’t be doing it all at the same time because it is a bit confusing (and overwhelming). But I love it. I love thinking about it, working on it, messing up, and trying again...the process makes my soul happy. As I told my friend, I’d rather be making a living from my passion projects and creative pursuits. What I do for a living these days does not give me the happiness and satisfaction that I am looking for.    

As grateful as I am to have a source of income, my soul feels dead when I am doing it. Yes, it helps me to pay the bills and allows me to have time for my other pursuits, but it does not make me happy. My body rejects the idea of it. I get anxiety and this feeling in my gut that this is not it. That I need to be doing something else.  

To me, true “career” happiness is this: when my creative pursuits enable me to make a living with it. When it gives me the happiness that my soul craves but also the finances to keep it going. Something that will help me to also live a comfortable life at the same time. That is what I’m going for.   

I have discovered a new guilty pleasure in the past month: reading Seventeen fan fiction. Seventeen AUs to be exact. It’s been interesting to learn about what topics or tropes appeal to a lot of people these days. The writing style is also different from what I have been used to. As a writer, I find it very educational.  

It also surprised me that there are a lot of words and phrases that seem to be popular that I was not aware of. I guess that’s one disadvantage of being an introvert. I didn’t learn about these things until I read about them.   

My life has been more uncertain these days than it used to be. I’m not complaining. It’s exciting to think that I never know what’s next. Maybe it's a better job. Maybe my creative projects can pick up enough steam for me to make a living out of them. Maybe it could be a new life adventure. As uncertain as my life has been, it’s way better than when my life felt like it was never going anywhere. 

Nine more months of 2024. Can you imagine the possibilities?