[Note: This is the longest post I've ever made on this blog because I couldn't sleep thinking about that quote! If you are more comfortable reading this in another language, the Google Translation button is on the sidebar. If you prefer reading in Korean, the translation made via Papago can be found here.]
Numero TOKYO Magazine’s April issue featured Seventeen’s S. Coups, aka Choi Seungcheol. Among the questions asked was if there was anything that he had learned to let go of in the past 10 years. His response was (as translated by someone on Twitter, please feel free to correct it):
The desire to be loved. I realized that constantly seeking love isn’t a good thing. If I want to be loved, I need to prioritize loving others. That’s something I came to understand at some point.
It’s amazing how we can be from different backgrounds, but the human experience and the lessons we learn from it can still be the same. S. Coups’ idea of letting go of the desire to be loved is something I can relate to.
It’s easy to understand S. Coups' point of view. As the leader of an idol group, he knows public love can make or break their career. In the past, he may have felt pressured to seek love from others. For idols, public love often means success. That pressure could have pushed him to work harder—sometimes at the cost of his well-being. In the end, attaining that love might have come at a personal price.
The concept of self-sacrifice is common for many Asians. We were taught that putting others first is always better, even at the cost of personal happiness. But giving too much has its consequences. I learned that the hard way. As the leader of Seventeen, S. Coups could have also experienced burnout, which may have led him to that realization.
As an idol, S. Coups—and the rest of Seventeen—is expected to give endless love to fans. But that love isn’t always equally returned. Constantly seeking love may have been a necessity in the beginning, but as time passed, he may have realized that wasn’t sustainable.
Regardless of his reasons, it is clear that S. Coups has grown in his understanding of love. Despite that growth, I cannot completely agree with the idea that love must be given first to be received. There’s nothing wrong with loving others, but it should not come from a place of seeking self-validation. If we constantly give love with the hope of receiving it in return, we risk draining ourselves.
When S. Coups said he wanted to prioritize loving others to be loved, I felt a little sad. Why? Because I used to think the same way. Over time, I subconsciously started to believe that love was conditional.
As the eldest daughter, I always put others first, believing that if I gave enough, I would feel loved in return. But no matter how much I gave, it never felt enough. I got tired and frustrated trying to meet unspoken expectations and finally gave up on living up to them. It was only when I took a step back that I realized love wasn’t something that needed to be earned. True love is given and received freely.
It took time for me to learn that self-love is just as important as loving others. It’s not one or the other. To truly love others, we have to start with loving ourselves.
Love, in its purest form, should be unconditional. It’s about giving without expecting anything in return. A love that is given with no strings attached. But giving in that way doesn’t mean we should neglect ourselves in the process.
Unconditional love is an ideal concept, but as humans, we are flawed and complex beings. There will be moments when we love hoping we will be loved back. Wanting to love and be loved in return isn’t wrong. But we have to be aware of how our expectations affect us. While true unconditional love is hard to maintain, it is something worth striving for. The key is to avoid letting the hope for reciprocation determine our self-worth.
Loving unconditionally is a good thing, but we need to recognize our limits. If loving someone makes you lose self-respect, it is time to either pause and reflect or walk away. Unconditional love should not come at the expense of our emotional well-being. We cannot allow ourselves to fall into the trap of believing that love should be earned.
While it may be selfish to seek constant validation, it’s just as unfair to deprive one's self of the love we freely give. Self-sacrifice, though noble, can sometimes do more harm than good.
People often say that love should be selfless. I agree. But there are times when being too selfless becomes the obstacle preventing us from receiving the love that we deserve. Loving yourself is just as important as loving others. Healthy love includes self-care and self-respect just as much as it does care for others.
There has to be some amount of self-respect when it comes to the love that we give. We need to recognize that giving too much starts to become harmful. To feel satisfaction in that love, we need to remember to take care of ourselves too.
Self-respect and unconditional love can coexist. Knowing how to balance both will help make the love we give more fulfilling and sustainable. We won’t burn out because we know how much we can give without destroying ourselves along the way.
To love and be loved is a beautiful thing. It can be fulfilling to give and love unconditionally. To be loved by someone who accepts your flaws values you through the good and the bad, and gives you space to be yourself is a true gift.
Love is most fulfilling when it is not done out of a need for validation or self-sacrifice. It blooms when given and received freely. S. Coups is on the right path when he lets go of the desire to be loved. But it is worth noting that prioritizing loving others to be loved still carries an expectation of love in return.
I know what it’s like to put others first, hoping to be loved back. That’s why I hope that S. Coups finds a balance in the love he gives. Prioritizing others isn’t wrong, as long as it’s done without expecting anything in return. That way he won't experience being emotionally drained and burned out like I did because I didn’t set those boundaries.
If one day S. Coups finds himself feeling drained or losing himself in the process, I hope he can pause and focus on his own well-being first.
At the end of the day, the key isn’t just balancing the love we give and receive, but also the expectations we place on ourselves and others. When we let go of those expectations, we allow love to exist in its purest form: free, without pressure, and deeply fulfilling.
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