On a Cloud

I have this thing about alarms, alerts, and notifications. It makes me feel so anxious whenever I hear the distant sound of sirens from an ambulance or a fire truck. I get the same way when I hear my phone ring or when it pings a notification for a message. I don't know when it started, I only know that I almost always have this moment of panic when I hear those things. But I do remember moments in my life when that anxiety hit me hard at certain moments in my life. 

One possible way this started was when my grandmother died. I was in high school and was pretty close to her, spending weekends at her home whenever I could since I was in grade school. She had been sick at home for some time before she passed. I remember my family and I were there with her at home one weekend when people started to panic. My father started running out while carrying her in his arms, she needed to go to the hospital. They didn’t want to wait for an ambulance. They got into the car and sped away leaving us wondering what would happen. Even with the rush, they still got there too late. That image of my father carrying her in his arms is still a memory I have locked in my brain to this day.

I remember being so young and scared at the time. I wondered if the panic I felt was what other people felt whenever I saw an ambulance speeding on the road. It made me associate sirens with danger and death. It didn’t help that since becoming an adult, I have known other people who had similar emergencies. People I know who have been taken to the hospital for various emergencies at different points in my life. 

I have this distinct memory of having to wait in an ER as I heard a patient nearby gasping for (air and) life. It was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever heard. That gave me even more reason to associate the sound with panic and anxiety. It’s that kind of feeling of dread that you wouldn’t want to wish on anyone else.  

The anxiety I have is not limited to alarms from sirens. I also have it when I hear phone alerts. There was this one time a few years ago when I had someone who was harassing me on my phone. This was during the time when phones did not have the feature to block incoming calls or messages yet. Either that or I didn’t own a phone that had the feature at the time. Back then my line of work meant that I often met with various people from different offices. This meant I often gave my number to a lot of people for work. I didn’t expect to have someone who had gained my number that way to keep messaging me on my phone.  

It was a scary moment for me, getting messages that would not stop even if I ignored them. I had even asked that they stop messaging but that did not work either. It made me fear other people because I had no idea who this person was.  I already had a bit of anxiety whenever I heard my phone ring or when I got notifications. During that time, the fear was at its worst because of this person.  

Whoever it was always messaged like an obsessed suitor or boyfriend. It was terrifying to think that I could be running into this person and not even know it. That lasted for months. I was very lucky that I met someone who helped me get in touch with a government agency that helped me out. I sent an email reporting the incident and the messages from that person stopped. 

I heard that the practice at the time was to give them a warning of the legal consequences of their actions. I’m grateful that whoever that was finally understood that no meant no. And today, I am grateful for modern technology that has helped me to avoid having it happen again. I can now block numbers from calling or messaging me to avoid having this experience.  

These days, I have changed the ringtone for my calls and messages. That way I would not be too scared to hear them whenever I did get any form of communication on my phone. The ringing sound is now my current favorite song.  Message and other notifications are now Yoongi’s (SUGA of BTS) voice saying, “I love you.” 

Even my alarms are to the tune of some of my favorites on Spotify. It helps temper the anxiety from these alarms and notifications that way. There’s also the Do Not Disturb feature that has proven to be very helpful. Unless I am expecting a call or a message, my phone is usually set to that for my own sanity. 

This anxiety I have because of alarms has made me cherish quiet moments a lot more than I thought I would. I love it. I could spend an entire day in silence if given the opportunity. I know some people would go crazy with complete silence, but for me, I would most likely enjoy it. Adding some background sound (light rainfall, rustling leaves) would make it even better. 

My anxiety around alarms goes way back to some traumatic moments in my life. I am thankful that I have found ways to make these sounds more bearable to ease my fears. It's not easy to manage my anxiety when it comes to these sounds, but I have been able to do what I can. I am grateful that I can do things to make my life easier and calmer. Anxiety is a tough nut to crack. I hope that other people out there can find ways to cope with or manage their issues the way I have.