On a Cloud

All my life I have had very opinionated and expressive people around me. It's not only family, I have also made many friends who have a knack for expressing themselves so well. If they are not happy about something, they will say and show it. If they are happy, it would be very obvious too. Growing up and getting older I have found that I am not as expressive as the people around me. I tend to step back and let them be the ones to do it for me. Don't get me wrong, I have emotions too. I feel a lot, maybe even too much. But it's not that easy for me to show it. It's not something that comes natural to me.

As if that was not enough, it can also be worse. It only became obvious to me some time ago that some people were afraid of talking to me. Something about me having a poker face and not knowing how I would react if they talked to me because of it. Some have even gone as far as saying I had a resting bitch face, which I admit might make me seem even scarier. To be fair, I have heard the same thing from well-meaning family and friends, but it's not like I can do anything about it. I can't exactly smile 24/7, that would feel weird. 

This vibe of being a non-expressive person has led to some misunderstandings. The kind that has been heavy on my heart. Imagine arguing with a person you love. Imagine that person telling you that you are cold and that you don't care. Even when all you want to do during that argument is to break down and cry because it's so hard for you to show how you feel. It's so painful and so difficult to work out.

I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing, but this is the way I am. If I am upset, I take a step back. I try to be patient and understanding even if it can be painful for me. When I am happy for the people around me, I take a step back too. It's not that I am not happy for them, but more because I want them to bask in that moment more than I do. If a person around me is feeling upset, I try not to say too much. Not that I don't want to help, but that I don't want to say anything that could cause them more pain.

If I am happy for myself, I tend to temper that emotion. I don't know if that is rooted in the eldest child's guilt. The kind where you achieve things first and you don't want your siblings to feel that they are being left behind.

If I care about a person, I do show love but I am not as outward about it as most. I'm the type who would do things for you (acts of service, as they say) behind the scenes. Or I would give you gifts or feed you food, even if I tend to do it in a low-key way. I am a physical touch person with the people I love. But again, it is something I prefer to show in private than around other people. I also have a fear of rejection, so it takes a lot of courage for me to show what I am feeling.

There was a time when I tried to be more expressive, but that didn't last long. I didn't particularly appreciate how becoming too expressive could affect other people's feelings. To me, keeping my opinions to myself felt safer. That is unless it was necessary to do otherwise.

To be clear, it's not that I don't have feelings. It's that I don't express myself as well as people expect. When my father passed, people used to tell me that they thought that I was so strong. That I could handle everything without showing any weakness. It's not that I did not feel any weakness. I cried a lot on my own, it's only that I didn't show it. I felt I owed it to my younger siblings to have that show of strength at the time. I guess that's another eldest child's reason why I don't express myself so well. I tend to use that somewhat stronger facade so that my siblings feel free to be who they want to be. Like a sort of leave that to me and you do you kind of thing.

I used to struggle with this trait of stepping back instead of putting myself forward. Through the years though I have realized that it's not wrong to be the way I do. That every person is different. The people who care about me would accept and love me regardless of this perceived flaw. I should learn to accept and love myself the way I am.

We all have different ways of managing our emotions and expressing ourselves. I know that as much as many people are very expressive, there are people who feel the same way I do. The ones who have quieter ways of showing how we are feeling. The important thing is to accept our uniqueness. We need to embrace and understand how we can use it to connect with others in a meaningful way. It doesn't matter if we express ourselves in an open or low-key way. It's the sincerity and intention behind those actions that matter the most.