On a Cloud

We’re all familiar with the saying that we should forgive and forget. They say that we should learn to forgive people when they have done something wrong. Forgive and then forget so that we can move on. By forgetting, they say that we truly have forgiven the person. That’s when the slate is cleaned and people can start over. 

But is that the right thing to do? Sometimes I’m not sure. Lately, I’ve been of the mindset that we can and should forgive as much as we possibly can, but we shouldn’t forget. 

I grew up in a very Christian environment. From an early age, we were taught that Jesus said that you should not only forgive seven times. It should be seventy times seven. We were told to believe that if we forgive others, God will forgive us of our sins too. The adults in my life explained that forgiveness is not something you do for other people. Rather, it is more of a thing you do for yourself. That it is not healthy to keep all that pain and hurt feelings inside you. By forgiving the person who has done you wrong, you are letting go of the hatred in your heart. It is only then that you can allow peace to take over. 

Just because the bible says that we should forgive or that God will forgive us if we forgive others, it doesn’t mean that forgiveness will come easier. It doesn’t mean that we should do it for those reasons. If we forgive just because someone told us to, or if we do it in place of expecting something else in return, I don’t think that it is a sincere form of forgiveness. The true act of forgiving is something that comes from the heart. It’s something that we should sincerely do. If we are forcing ourselves to do it, that is not forgiveness. And it does not do any good to any of the people involved to do that.

While I am all for letting go of the hurt feelings that come with forgiveness, I also understand when some people find it hard to do so. I cannot begin to presume that I know and understand what that person is feeling and how they got there. Sometimes the wounds run deep. Sometimes forgiveness takes time. So if one finds it hard or cannot bring themselves to forgive, I don’t think I am in any place to judge them for that. It’s sad yes, but it is a reality that we need to acknowledge.

As for forgetting, my opinion on that is a bit conflicting. I would like to think that forgetting does help us to move on. That's because we let go of the hurt feelings that came from it, but should we truly, completely forget? If someone did something wrong to us, shouldn’t we also learn our lesson from the experience? That way whatever it was would not happen again? 

By completely forgetting, I have that fear that we are taking the risk of having what was done wrong to us repeated. Yes, maybe the person we forgave would not do it again, but what’s to stop someone else from doing so? Wouldn’t remembering help us so to avoid having similar situations happen to us over and over again?

Just like forgiveness, I think that forgetting is something that should take time. Sometimes there are traumas involved with what was done wrong to us and those scars may take a lifetime to heal. We can’t rush these things. This is why I don’t think that we should place too much pressure on ourselves to forgive and forget. Yes, it is better if we do, but also no, I don’t think this is something we can force ourselves to do.

Yes, it does feel lighter when you have learned to let go of the hurtful and painful feelings and to forgive. It does feel like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. But that is something that comes from forgiveness with a sincere heart for it. If you are being forced to forgive, that good feeling is not going to come to you. It might even make things worse.  If you are in a situation where someone is asking for your forgiveness and you cannot give it at that moment, don’t beat yourself up about it. Some things take time to heal. And if the person is sincere about asking for forgiveness, they would understand if you cannot give it to them right away.

Forgetting may be the easier solution, but it is not always the case. There are situations where we still need to learn our lessons from the experience. When that happens, forgetting is out of the question. It’s a 50/50 thing. Sometimes forgetting may help us to completely heal. But there are also times when remembering will help us to protect ourselves as we move on. 

Whatever your opinion is on this, I think the best choice is where you will be able to heal and move from the experience. We may not always make the best decision on this, but that’s where not forgetting helps us to learn and to grow. We can only do the best we can in every given situation. If we make the wrong decision, we should always remember to forgive ourselves too. That means we should forgive and then remember (and not forget) what has happened. That way we can do better in the future.