On a Cloud

Do you have children? Do you WANT children? I don’t have them right now, but I want them. Being a mother is something that I’ve always imagined doing when I got older. At the same time, it’s something that I have been hesitant about these past few years.

Wanting kids doesn’t seem to be the norm these days, at least not for the younger people I’ve talked to. Many of them refuse to have children for many reasons. They think the economy is too difficult. They think they cannot raise children properly with what they have financially. There are some who told me that they just do not see themselves with children. They want to enjoy their adult life as much as they can and children would be in the way. Then there are those who think that we live in a deteriorating planet. They cannot bring themselves to have their children live in this world we live in. In the same vein, some say that they cannot make the planet suffer further by adding more people to it. The world is overpopulated already, they do not want to make things worse.

As for me, I’ve always wanted children. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. But I also have this fear that I would not be a good enough parent for my children. Would I choose a man who would be a good father? Would we be able to give our children the kind of life that they deserve? Those things have been on my mind when it comes to wanting children. I have been single for most of my adult life. I have dated, but I have not yet encountered the kind of man I would like to start a family with. That makes my wanting to become a mother challenging.

Someone suggested that I simply have a child out of wedlock. It’s not an ideal setting. And I am of the Calista Flockhart frame of mind that if I wanted children, I’d rather have it with the man who is my husband. This is why she adopted instead. And that is what prompted me to consider adoption myself. My father learned about this and was against it for some reason, so I never considered it again. I have also considered IVF and getting a sperm donor. Freezing my eggs is an option in my country, but using sperm from a man who is not my husband apparently is not legal here. So in that sense, freezing my eggs may not be that beneficial to me either. 

But I still want to be a mother. And I believe in my heart that I will be one someday. I want to see a little version of me or a little version of the man I love one day in those children. I would love to see a part of me go on into the world and see what it has to offer. I know people say that once women reach their 30s and beyond it is difficult to get pregnant. But I still believe in my heart that I will have them one day. I have seen and heard of many women who have had children above the age of 30. There are scientific advancements that have made this possible. This is why I still hold on to hope that this will still happen for me. 

Yesterday, I was out doing errands when I met two children that reminded me of this dream of becoming a mother. I was in line at an ATM when the young son of the woman in front of me just kept staring at me. His mother couldn’t even get his attention for them to leave. I kept waving at him and he would wave back, even if I was waving to show him that his mom was leaving. He was probably around 2 or 3 years old. His mom had to carry him just so they could leave. That moment was too cute!

Later, I accompanied my friend to pay her bills at the mall and again, I saw a child staring at me. It was a little girl, maybe around 5 years old. She was sitting on the bench next to me watching a video on her phone. When she saw that I looked back, she smiled and waved at me, pointing to the video she was watching. It was like she was inviting me to join her. She did that several times until I told her to just keep on watching. I was telling my friend that those two kids felt like a sign to me. I always wanted kids, and specifically, I wanted a boy and a girl. It felt like it was a sign from the universe that it was going to happen. I would love that.

To me, those kids felt like a gentle reassurance from the universe. That I have to trust in divine timing and let things unfold naturally. I believe that this deep longing for children exists because, one day, I’m meant to have them. Until then, I’ll focus on growing as a person, so I can become the best mother my future children deserve. And I hope that 'someday' comes soon.