On a Cloud

I don't know. Lately, that’s the only answer I seem to have. Recent events involving people in my life have had me thinking about that sentence. I have come to realize that no matter how much I think that I know a person, it is also possible that I don't know them at all.

Becoming a grown-up, specifically becoming an adult, comes with a lot of eye-openers. What I'm realizing now is one of them. You can know a person all your life but still discover that you don't know the kind of person they truly are. It's shocking how people you thought you knew become strangers when push comes to shove. They act (or react, whatever the case may be) in ways you never imagined they would.

It has been hard for me to process seeing people for who they are now compared to the people I thought they were. The words they say, the choices they make—none of it aligns with the version of them I once knew. What makes it even more painful is that these are people I care about. People who have been in my life for a very long time.

It's been hard for me to understand how people become the way they have become. On one hand, I keep trying to justify their actions in my head. But on another, I am still puzzled by what frame of mind they are in to be the way that they are.

These recent events have had me looking inward. It has made me wonder if I have ever become the same with other people in my life. Have I ever acted in a way that was out of character to the people who thought they knew me? Have I ever diverted from what image they had of me in their heads?

I have been trying to think about whether I am being too judgmental or not about what is happening. I have wondered how I would feel on the other side of this situation. But, even if I place myself in it, I don't see myself acting or reacting in the way that these people did. I can't even imagine myself doing so. That's why this has all been difficult for me to understand and process.

We all have different versions of ourselves at various points in time. We have versions of ourselves that vary depending on who we're with. That's part of being human. We adapt, we make mistakes, and we grow. We learn, we change, and we move on. I also understand that no two people are exactly alike. That's why I am trying my best to understand them. Just because I don't imagine myself behaving the same way, it doesn't mean I should judge them for it.

Maybe I am seeing these people as the versions of themselves from a different point in their lives. Maybe I am having difficulty grasping this different version of who they are today. Maybe I have changed too much too. It's just heartbreaking because these are people I love. People who have been a huge part of my life. Knowing that they have changed and that I cannot understand them anymore no matter how I try is painful.

How should I act (or react) to these people given that they are still part of my life? Can I even act like things have not changed even if they so clearly have? Again, the answer to this question for me is "I don't know."

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew how to turn back the clock and have things be the same as they used to be. I wish I knew how to make things better. But again, I don't know. Right now I feel like I don't know anything at all about how to deal with this part of my life. I am equal parts angry, disappointed, and sad about this recent turn of events.

My reaction to all this has been to take a step back. To simply watch everything unfold from a safe distance. I try not to get too involved, which might make me look uncaring, but like I said, I don't know what to do anyway. I'm just going to be here, in my little corner, gauging when would be the right time to step in and get involved (if need be).

It's just sad that with the way things are unfolding, it's like things will never be the same again. I will never see these people in the same way. The relationships we have will never go back to what they used to be. And life will go on, but things will be different, and I just have to live with that.

Maybe that’s the hardest part—accepting that change doesn’t always come with closure.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I thinking about this in a way that is fair to all concerned? Am I going overboard with this? I don't know. Something tells me I'll never know. But I guess, at some point, I'll just have to stop thinking about it so much and let things be.