Life isn’t perfect. As much as we would want it to be, life will never be just sunshine and rainbows. There will always be difficult times scattered between the good ones. These times for me are a perfect example. Without going into too much detail, my family is going through a trying time that started just this year. Everyone is going through the motions, doing things that need to be done, but it has not been easy.
Lately, it’s extremely challenging to do all the everyday things that need to be done. It’s troubling because, at the back of our minds, we always have this situation looming over us. We distract ourselves and tell each other it’s going to be fine, but we also know that the experience is incredibly taxing. We’re all just doing what we can to get past the situation as smoothly as possible.
As the oldest among my siblings, it’s been my thing to show a strong front. I can panic and worry on the inside, but you’ll never see me do that in front of my sisters. I’m the person who’d say, “It’s fine. That’s nothing to worry about. It’s going to be OK.” I’d be the person who goes through the day acting normal like there is nothing wrong. That way, I could give some semblance of normal to our not-so-normal circumstances these past couple of weeks. I guess I’m hoping that if my siblings think I’m OK, they’ll think everything will be OK too.
We are in the type of situation where there’s nothing much that can be done but to see where things go. There’s nothing much I can contribute to help ease the situation except to keep doing what I normally do. I keep wishing that this semblance of normalcy I contribute can help ease the tensions a little bit. There may not be much I can give, but I would like to think that showing a strong front helps. And that I am helping in a way that counts by letting everyone else know that they can lean on me when it gets too tough.
The tough part about this is not showing too much emotion. During situations like this, I tend to come off looking cold. The problem is, if I show the tiniest bit of emotion, I know that I will not be able to handle it. I might break down before everyone else does. Ergo, I tend to show a less emotional side of myself these days. I would rather leave the emotional side to my other siblings. I’d rather let them be the ones to ease the stress emotionally. Then if they need someone to hang onto for strength, they can come to me. As the oldest, I feel like it’s my responsibility to be that for them. I can only hope that I am doing a good job. I may not be able to do much, but I hope I can contribute in a way that counts.
It makes me wonder if this is the oldest-child thing. Is the tendency to think and act this way common among those who are the oldest among their siblings? I worry if I am doing the right thing putting up a strong front. But at the same time, this is the only way I know how to be there for everyone. My methods may not be perfect, but I would like to think that this is making a difference regardless. At the end of the day, I can only hope that I am doing what is right for me and the rest of the family.
I have no idea where all this will lead for me and my family, but I have faith that it will eventually work out. This is a rough patch—a challenging way to start the year—but I believe that if we can get past this, the rest of 2025 will be kinder to us. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and praying that, after this, things can only get better.
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