On a Cloud

There are so many things that I want to explore and try, but I have been hesitant to do so. It's not that I am scared to begin, because I have, but I haven't attempted to share my work with anyone else. I have this fear that comes with putting myself out there. It’s the fear of judgment—one that keeps me from showing the world what I’ve been working on.

I have always wanted to be a published author. I have book concepts in various states of creation. Some are outlines, some drafted, and some completed. The reason that none of them have even gone to the publication stage is that same fear. I’m scared that no one will like my work. I am afraid that my books, stories, and characters won’t resonate with readers. I know it's to be expected that not everyone will like my work, just as there will be others who do. Despite that, I am still reluctant to share it. My characters and their stories are like my children. The thought of them being misunderstood or unappreciated feels heartbreaking. 

Another thing that I have always wanted to dabble in but have kept to myself is my love for dance. While I may not be the best dancer out there, I do have an interest in it. I have often recorded myself doing dance challenges, but I have never posted any of them. I have even deleted most of them weeks after I did them. Why? I was too afraid to share them. I kept second-guessing myself, wondering if people would find them enjoyable or if I would just embarrass myself. I love doing them, but I am scared of sharing them with anyone else. I know it might sound like a waste of time and effort. But it's an outlet I love exploring when I can.

This same fear of criticism has also held me back from sharing another thing: song covers. I've recorded a few covers that I have been tempted to share online, but I haven't. While some people have told me that I have a good singing voice, I tend to doubt myself. I am my own worst critic, especially when it comes to things like this.

One other thing I wanted to try? Podcasting. Turning my existing blog posts into short, casual podcasts where I share stories about everyday life. The problem is, I have always been self-conscious about my speaking voice. I worry about whether I can express myself well enough. Yes, I will never know until I try. And I probably should. But I still have that crippling fear of actually doing it.

That's probably the reason why I am doing my best to be anonymous in my online accounts these days. There’s a certain freedom in creating without attaching my real name or face. If people don’t know who I am offline, their opinions feel a little less personal. And the criticism, while it would still be there, would not be as difficult to handle as it would be if I were fully visible. It feels safer, somehow.

I have been trying to push myself to make 2025 the year that I put myself out there creatively. I hope that I can finally do it. I hope that my books (and podcasts) get published. Maybe 2025 will be the year my covers get posted, and my dance challenge videos get shared. Maybe I can explore other things, too.

Who knows? Maybe sometime after 2025, I will be brave enough to put a face to the name behind my creative pursuits. It would be an achievement for me if I could do that. For now, however, I'm going to start small and just get it all out there. Then, I’ll see what happens and figure out where this journey takes me.