I’m sorry. It’s a two-word sentence that I have said more than any other for my entire life. I’m not proud of it. I’m only stating facts. I say sorry and apologize a lot, even for things that are beyond my control. It’s a trait that I have had for a long time, and I have finally gotten tired of it.
Why did I apologize so much? I’m not sure. I grew up that way. It was only when I became an adult that I realized how much I have been doing it. Even then, it has been a habit that’s difficult to shake off. I still have not removed this trait completely. There is a conscious effort to avoid it but as they say, old habits die hard. It’s a struggle but I am working on it.
My younger personality has been that of a people-pleaser. I hated inconveniencing other people and would go to lengths to avoid it. Yes, even if it meant that I passed on the inconvenience to myself. That meant that if things did not work out as expected, I ended up apologizing for things a lot. It doesn’t even matter if it was my fault or not.
Being this way meant putting undue pressure and stress on myself. It also meant that people around me had become used to depending on me because I found it hard to disappoint them. It was this element of unfounded guilt that weighed a lot on me for a large part of my life.
It’s not only about being sorry and apologizing for things that did not work out. I’ve also often carried this guilt whenever good things happen to me instead of others. I often catch myself feeling guilty when good things happen to me instead of to the people around me. My common reaction? Trying to do something good for other people to make up for it. Even if it meant sacrificing some things that I wanted for myself. I don’t know what happened in my life that led me to this point, but I am glad I realized it when I did.
Last year was a turning point for me. I decided to take the risk and let go of people and situations that were bringing me too much stress. I decided to take active steps to finally put myself first before everyone else. I stopped apologizing to other people because I wanted to focus on myself.
Don’t get me wrong. When I say that I used to make other people a priority before myself, it is not about me being an altruistic person. It came from a place of fear of disappointing other people and not living up to the expectations of others. Generosity is good. But giving to the point of suffering isn’t. At least that is how I see it these days.
I used to think it was selfish to put yourself first. I thought that it was greedy. Lately, I have come to see that putting yourself first can be a healthy thing. You cannot be good to others if you are not even good to yourself.
Putting myself first has not been easy. There were times when I wanted to go back into those old situations because they had become my comfort zone. It may have been difficult, but at least I knew what I was getting into.
Let me give an example of how hard the change has been for me. Now that I have taken a step back to make myself a priority, it has been overwhelming. There is so much I want to do for myself. Now that I am taking the time to do that, I’m surprised that I don’t know how to go about it. I am so used to making other people a priority that I don’t know how to help myself. I started to doubt myself and wonder if I could or if I should do the things that I wanted for me.
Prioritizing myself is hard. I have never done it before. I don't know how things will go from here now that I have taken that leap. That uncertainty has made this process scary for me. I know that change is never easy. It is a process that takes time. It makes me nervous not knowing when and how things will work out from here.
Do I have any regrets about this? Sometimes I ask myself that. I still have moments where I hold some guilt for not being my old self. I still have moments where I question myself and wonder if I made the right decision. At this point, knowing that I have already dived into this, I might as well learn to swim (so to speak).
So, you know what? I’m not sorry. Not anymore anyway.
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