On a Cloud

My childhood was heavily influenced by religion. I come from a strong Roman Catholic background. I attended Catholic schools from elementary through college. My mother’s side are devout Catholics. The type who prays the Angelus every 6 PM and the rosary afterward. Daily. That also means attending church every Sunday. That and participating in various church activities to express their faith. As icing on this religious family cake, I also have a cousin who is a parish priest. This is someone with close ties to a certain priest connected to the Vatican. Yes, it’s that type of family.

Looking back, I was for a time very religious. But it was more because that was all that I knew. That was what I was used to. It was what was expected of me. And it seemed sacrilegious to think otherwise. I used to pray a lot and participate in church groups. I have even read the bible from start to finish in one year. I was also a devotee of several saints and of the Virgin Mary. When I was in college, the chapels in our university were regular places for me to visit. For a time that fully satisfied me spiritually, until it didn’t.

A major life event had me questioning my faith. During this time I explored attending activities in other Christian churches. Sadly, I never found the right fit for me. I tried going back to my Catholic way of life, but it just hasn’t been the same for me. There were so many things that I could not wrap my head around. I just was not getting the answers or the strength in spirit that I used to. 

It’s not that I no longer consider myself a Catholic, or a Christian, for that matter. I still have respect for my family and friends who have strong ties to their respective churches. I just don’t think that is where I belong right now. 

I believe in God. I have faith that there is a higher power out there. After all the things I have gone through in my life, I cannot deny that. It’s just the concept of a church that I find myself questioning these days. It’s a personal dilemma that I need to figure out on my own. I do not have anything against the people who still have faith in their respective churches. It's just that I do not find myself connecting with them anymore. I have more questions than answers. It's hard especially since most of the answers I have gotten have been that it is what it is and I simply need to accept it. My faith – or should I say my religion – is a work in progress. It’s an ongoing growth process that I think I will be in for a while. 

To be honest, I find nothing wrong with my path faith-wise. I am at that place where I'd rather be the person who questions and tries to find answers. Better than someone who blindly believes in something. If anything, my faith will be even stronger at the end of this journey. It is helping me to fully understand just what it is all about. My faith will be stronger that way because I am learning to understand fully what it is all about. Knowledge is a good thing, but if you combine that with understanding, that is even better.

One priest who I shared this dilemma with during confession had agreed with me and wished me luck on my path. It was reassuring to know that someone from my old faith trusted that this was something I needed to do. 

I would like to think that my faith is part of my evolution. It is a continuous adventure that I need to navigate. I will probably be doing this my whole life. I am at a point where my faith depends on the day because it changes constantly as I learn something new. And I know that is something I will keep doing until the end of my days. I may not have a commitment to any church at this point, but the important part is my belief in a higher power. My belief in a God who is out there who I can reach out to during my search for answers. I know I don’t have all the answers, and I probably never will. But I know that as long as I keep going, trying, and learning, that is what counts. 

At the end of the day, we all have different definitions of faith because it is a personal experience for each of us. I don’t know exactly where my path will lead. It could be back to the Catholic faith or it could be elsewhere. All I know is I have faith that God will place me exactly where he needs me to be.