On a Cloud

Around the time I was in my first age-gap relationship (face edited with AI)

My friend and I recently got into a conversation about age-gap relationships. Specifically, about how a lot of people on social media these days consider it taboo. People tend to associate these relationships with grooming and abuse of authority. I can’t blame them. There are, after all, many with significant age gaps that have issues with that. However, as someone who has experienced both sides of the coin (so to speak), it would be unfair to generalize. Not all age-gap relationships are negative. Not to me, anyway.

One sad thing is how women are the ones attacked online for being in age-gap relationships. If the woman is younger, she is a gold digger. That or she has daddy issues. When the woman is older, people will constantly call her a grandma, a predator, and desperate. Some men get negative comments from having much younger partners. But we have to admit they are generally not treated in this way. Men even get praised for being able to attract much younger women. It’s an achievement for men to be the older partner, but it is looked at as desperation on the part of women. I find that unfair. Historically, age-gap relationships were common. But they were often for the benefit of men. It's unfair when women get made fun of when they are in this type of relationship. It doesn't matter if it is for sincere reasons like love. They still get ridiculed for it.

I cannot blame people for being concerned about age-gap relationships. It’s fine when both partners are mature enough to enter that type of relationship. But if one is younger and not mature enough, that is another story. 

One of my first relationships was when I was in my early teens. It was with a young man that my parents knew personally. He was also older than me by around five (or more?) years. I know that the gap is not that big. But as someone who back then was not even old enough to drink or vote, that gap was significant. 

Looking back on it now, it was a type of relationship that I would not encourage. I was in my teens, he was in his 20s. There were expectations that came from him being older and being more experienced. I felt that it was more than what I had expected in a relationship at that age. And it felt I had to be the one following his lead because he was, as I had assumed, the older and wiser one between us. 

There were comments about what I could and could not wear. Comments on the friends I hung out with, the time we spent together…I did not know what grooming was back then. But now that I do, what I experienced was probably something like it. It was not a healthy relationship. It was hard for me as the younger one to get out of it, but I am glad I did. 

I’m not saying that having a relationship with someone older is wrong. What I’m saying is that if there is an age gap, both partners should be mature enough to be in that relationship. If I were past my twenties and he was nearing his 30s, the gap would not seem so bad. And in terms of maturity, we would at least have a bit more of a level playing field. The relationship could have been healthier. I say could have because I had a relationship in my twenties with someone older but it did not work out either. I again found myself following the lead of the older partner, which was not good. I eventually realized I needed to be myself, not someone living up to someone else’s idea of who I should be. 

Maybe it was the trauma of having relationships with older men that drew me into dating younger ones. I found it refreshing that I did not have to conform to their expectations. Dating younger men felt lighter and less complicated. I guess my brain agreed because I have not dated anyone older since then. Subconsciously, I guess my brain felt safer with younger guys. I find that they made me more comfortable with being myself. They made me feel even more confident about who I am. And it made a lot of difference. 

To their credit, the younger men I’ve dated were mature for their age. None of them came with the expectations that I felt with the older men I had been in a relationship with. In that sense, I understand why there are older women who look to younger men for relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I would not date men who are too young. I’ve been the “too young” person in a relationship, and I would never put anyone else in that position. But these days, I do find myself looking to younger guys. As long as they are mature enough and of a certain age, that is fine with me. 

Is there a point to all this? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just trying to process and make peace with how this part of my life has shaped me as a person. Over time, I learned that there’s nothing wrong with age-gap relationships. If they are consenting adults mature enough to understand what they’re getting into, it's not an issue. 

I am not against this, I just draw the line at relationships where one partner is too young to know better. The age-gap romance I had at an early age affected me and how I dealt with relationships. It took time for me to process and come to terms with that experience. I wouldn't recommend it. 

In the end, age-gap relationships aren’t always bad. What truly matters is respect, trust, maturity, and consent, no matter how large the age gap is. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone when it’s done in the right way.